Saturday, August 6, 2011

Secrets

Do you ever get tired of them? I have a big one and I'm really tired of it.

Almost every five years I blow up. I can feel myself losing it again and just realized, yep, my five years are just about up.
I was sexually abused when I lived at home. I'm not going to say when I was a child, because sexual innuendoes continued through high school and into college. Basically I just had to be around this person and I felt like a slut. Those who should have protected me, fed me to the sharks. I was told repeatedly to keep it a secret. Don't tell the bishop because they can't really keep a secret. Don't tell your teachers because they'll tell the police and we won't have a family anymore. Etc.
WELL IT'S NOT A SECRET ANYMORE!
I would happily keep it a secret if it would STOP! or at least the effects of it stop. But I'm seeing the low self esteems, the self sacrificing, anything-to-get-me-out-of-this-situation behavior trickle down into the next generation.
Like I said, about every five years I blow up, and there's apologies and tears and I cave every time, full of guilt, "How could I bring this up again, it's so painful for HIM!" The last time he cried, "I've done bad things but I've repented. I don't participate in those things anymore. They make me sick. I've done bad things but I'm not a bad person." Because I respect that plea, I'm keeping the person's name out of this blog (but until there's some excommunication, I mean REAL BISHOP IS INVOLVED REPENTANCE, this torment will never end for you, and who knows what will happen five years down the road), this is more of a plea to those in my family who are choosing to pretend that this is not a problem. Look at your kids. Is it worth it? He needs to feel the consequences of his actions if he can ever hope to get better (He's not the only one, as you all well know). You might be telling yourself he is better and he doesn't do that anymore...but you're wrong, because I can still see a lot of emotional manipulation going on (guilt is a wonderful persuader). And not just by him, but by those who choose to stand by him. We as a family need to learn how to love the sinner and have ZERO TOLERANCE FOR THE SIN.
So to "HIM" I say, you will never have a relationship with me, my husband, and especially my children. I love you and pray for you, but that does not mean, I need to have a relationship with you. I am DONE. To my mother and father and she who is married to him, until you realize that your responsibility is to protect AT ALL COSTS even telling the "secret" if you have to (heaven forbid, right?) then the same goes for you. I am DONE!
To my nieces and nephews, I pray for you with all my heart. If you ever need to talk, I am just an e-mail away. All our conversations are strictly confidential.
To all my other friends and colleagues who don't know how to respond to this blog, just don't. If you NEED to talk about it because you have some of the same issues, we'll talk for sure, otherwise you can just talk to me like you never saw this blog. I won't know the difference.
This is my last blog. If you want to continue a relationship with me, you know my e-mail.

3 comments:

Jaclyn said...

Last blog post ever? :(

Jamie said...

what your done blogging. But Joy you keep me entertained. I hope everything is well with you and your adorable little family!

Holly said...

I love you Joy. If there is anything I can ever do...PLEASE let me know.
Seriously.

And I hope you come back to blogging someday...I'll miss not hearing updates from your cute little family!